Wednesday, July 16, 2014

How Blogging (Almost) Stole My Joy

Monday, I shared with you a little about the process I've been going through as I re-think the purpose, focus, and content at Pinspired Home. This change has been coming for months. 
In March and April especially, I was really struggling with my blogging journey. What I had once done for enjoyment had become a total drudgery and source of stress. I kept focusing on my weaknesses and things I wanted to change, but couldn't. And as I compared my blog, projects, and home with others, I became less and less content with my circumstances.

Today, I'm sharing a journal-type blog post I wrote during that time of discontentment. I wasn't sure I would share it, but I thought it would give insight into the changes I'm making and why.

I try to keep things pretty light and positive here on the blog, but today I feel a bit like throwing a pity party.

I. Am. Stuck. Paralyzed, really. I want to decorate our family room and playroom, but... I have a complete lack of vision. And therefore major commitment issues, to boot. I'm afraid to pull the trigger on, well, anything new, for fear I'll hate it and be stuck with it.

But I think a big, big part of it is that I want to have something knock-your-socks-off amazing for you when this is all done. And I'm so afraid that I just won't. That I won't live up to my aspirations. That I won't have a pin-worthy space.

I've been struggling with frustration over the state of our home, and especially our Family Room, for a while now. We moved in over a year ago, but we still have a long way to go before we make this house truly ours.
I'll look at other bloggers and their amazing room transformations or admire a room design on Pinterest, and become frustrated and downright discontent. There are several reasons for this.

What I See As Holding Me Back:

1. A Toddler
I just don't have the time to devote to projects like I used to. Kiddo will be three in September (pass the tissues, please) and some days I still get discouraged because I can't devote as much time as I used to on home and craft projects. I guess someday reality will set in.

2. Hubby
I have so many ideas of things I want to do and Hubby has become my tether to reality. He'll let me know if he thinks something is more complicated than it looks or if he simply doesn't like the style I'm drawn to. It's his house too, so I want to make sure he's happy with whatever I do, but it can be very discouraging to be told no.

3. Budget
While we've never set aside a specific budget for home decor, I know that I won't spend hundreds of dollars on new furniture or artwork. I'm always on the hunt for bargains or thrifty decor ideas, but I don't get to yard sales or thrift stores very often. And I don't often have luck with Craigslist, when I take the time to look.

So, What's Really Holding Me Back?

Maybe a better question would be, why do I feel that I'm being held back? And from what?

Honestly, I think I'm being held back from accomplishing my expectations by things that are mostly out of my control. And those expectations - to have a pin-worthy home - are pretty unrealistic, especially when I'm not a designer by nature.

I wouldn't change any of my "tethers" either:

The toddler years can be tough, and I need to embrace the less-productive nature of this season in my life. I love Kiddo and being a mommy. In reality, I doubt I would even be blogging if I wasn't a stay-at-home-mom.

As I said before, this is Hubby's house too, so he has a right to have a say in how it's decorated. (Though it would be so nice if we were on the same page more often. I think I need to sign him up for Pinterest - ha!)

And the budget thing - that's all me. I'm a very practical person, and buying something just because it's pretty... well, it rarely ever happens. Spending big bucks on decor just seems so frivolous. And as much as I love a DIY or upcycle on Pinterest, I don't often feel like hunting in thrift stores, yard sales, or Craigslist in my free time. Nor do I really feel like doing crafty projects. They're fun sometimes, but if I did them regularly, I guarantee it would be drudgery.

So maybe, I'm not being held back at all. Maybe I'm trying to be someone I'm not. Maybe I need to re-think this whole blog thing.

Focusing on the things I couldn't change, and accepting them for what they were, really helped. I pretty much gave up on the Family Room Update for the time being, and that really helped. I do have some great ideas, and even some that are Hubby-approved, but I haven't had the time or motivation to tackle them yet. 

Slowly, I started to make little changes to the blog. I tried new things to see what worked and what didn't. I wrote as the mood struck and wrote outlines for future posts. And I tried to ease some of the pressure I was feeling. 

At the end of May, after reading How to Blog for Profit (Without Selling Your Soul) by Ruth Soukup {affiliate link}, I decided I needed to make an intentional plan. I have been working slowly to find what works for me, and tomorrow I'll share a little more about the direction I plan to take as I move forward. 


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